[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
i’m laughing very hard in real life
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
dutch is not a serious language
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Who called it cremation and not ashashination