“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
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Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
spicy snake
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you