My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
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Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”