Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
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This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop