Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
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Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.