Left at a local drug store…
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If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
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Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces