Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
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No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*