Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
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Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!