Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
You Might Also Like
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Friends that check up on you >
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are