[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’