So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?