I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
You Might Also Like
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…