Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
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My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
live long and prosper!
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’