I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
You Might Also Like
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
🙁
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.