Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
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Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?