6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
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they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!