Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Namaste
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I mean…but I did
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.