I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Girl, same.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please