Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
<—- homeless romantic
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.