Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
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[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
You know I’m something of a chef myself
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus