still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Ok, but like, how married are you?