It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
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Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.