Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.