My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
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Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Yoga Matt
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Probably my best painting.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.