Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
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I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I didn’t realize that was an option
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.