Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!