Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
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*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.