GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
How it started: How it’s going:
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap