– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
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Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.