I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
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Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I can’t be the only one 😂
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*