“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.