so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
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“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?