Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
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I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
This is my bus stop.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia