Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
You Might Also Like
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
🙄😏😂🤣
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.