Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
You Might Also Like
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
The glory of fall.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Do not go gentle into that good night,