Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
You Might Also Like
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.