Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
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I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
thinking about a very short hotdog
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.