My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
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Bond. Trauma bond.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it鈥檚 him.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Remember folks 馃槀
Wife: Don鈥檛 you hate when you eat something that鈥檚 not very satisfying but it鈥檚 too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
*gets coronavirus* but that鈥檚 impossible i have toilet paper
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Don鈥檛 listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.