Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Lmao the reply
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
#JohnTravolta
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
B
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to