Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
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Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!