Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?