I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
You Might Also Like
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away