Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel