*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
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flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]