Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂