[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
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Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
#parenting
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.