Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I am laughing way too hard at this.