The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
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Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*