Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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Horrifying if literal: armchairs
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s