Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs